Relationship for Results

The four elements for building productive relationships. Think of these as the "Four R's" of relationships.

1 - Rapport

• You build rapport by being:
• Competent (able to speak knowledgeably and be capable of doing)
• Trustworthy (Honest; acting with your counterpart's interests in mind)
• Engaged (interested)
• Accessible (available to talk)

2 - Reciprocation

• You develop confidence in each other by reciprocation; that is, doing for each other what the other needs to have done. This is an ESSENTIAL step and is the often left out because sometimes it has to be done with "blind faith". Do it anyway. You may not always be paid back by the one with whom you are trying to build the relationship, but you reputation as a "do-er" will drive many great returns for you. 

3 - Respect

• Respect for another person is shown in many ways. Three I would highlight are:
• Courtesy - People have different perspectives on how they like to be treated, so "Treat others as you would like to be treated" doesn't always apply. I would say "Treat others as THEY wish to be treated". It takes more listening to do, but we all need the practice with that AND it is really the best long-term strategy especially for an important relationship.
• Encouragement - Being a person that mentors others brings great rewards, and encouragement is a subset of that. Helping someone to see their own capability is critical to showing how you respect them for their competence.
• Empathy - Critically important to showing respect for your counterpart is demonstrating your understanding for their situation. Celebrating their successes and regrouping after a failure and everything in between is key to great relationships.

4 - Recognition

• Be free in giving credit to others whenever it is appropriate. Feeling appreciated is a big part of working in a team and few things raise more controversy than seeing the credit for an achievement go to someone that doesn't deserve it. One way to have "Important Friends in High Places" is to help them get there by ensuring that others know of their capabilities.

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What to Say in Difficult Conversations

As we develop our skills as a communicator, it is common to focus on what we will say as if “saying” was the most important part of communicating. As if crafting a message as if it were a single entity and delivering it was the act that causes the listener to understand it. The listener, however, has much to consider BESIDES the message before they can truly understand what we mean in an even moderately complex message.

We have all experienced being told something about ourselves that we didn’t want to hear – that we didn’t accept at the first mention. “Your work quality doesn’t justify a raise at this time”; “You aren’t someone with whom people like to spend time”; “You are not carrying your share as a parent”. Is there ANY WAY that someone could craft that message in a way that you would accept it at face value and say “I suppose that is true.”?

The idea here is that when you have a conversation about a topic in which the other person is going to be faced with the prospect of looking at something from a new (and potentially uncomfortable) perspective, you need to be prepared to deal with MORE than just the message. They will be looking for you to not only to justify your words with logic, but also to lead them through the difficulty of hearing the words. So we have two messages; a content message and a relationship message.

Regular readers of this newsletter (and I am SO grateful for the many of you that there are) will recall that I have described a model called the SPIRAL model that defines the four basic elements of a content message (claims, questions, evidence, and inference). I will recap that model in the next newsletter. This week, I want to talk about the relationship message.

The relationship message is built on three principles:

1) Use THE SCORE to reduce defensiveness in your counterpart(s)

2) Pay careful attention to the LISTENER, whether it is you that is listening at the moment or your counterpart. The speaker usually understands their own message; it is the LISTENER that needs extra help especially if the content is complex or “difficult to hear”.

3) It is important to demonstrate attention-to-detail regarding the relationship message AND to guide your counterpart(s) in showing the same attention to detail as you (the skilled communicator).

I have developed a matrix that describes 10 common activities that a skilled communicator will use in a conversation. Depending on the difficulty level of the conversation, you may use just one, or you may use all 10. The matrix shows an activity (for instance, Clarification) and describes the essential elements you need to convey when demonstrating clarification. The third column shows the words I might use in clarifying something (that is, demonstrating clarification. The fourth column shows words I would use to guide a counterpart into giving clarification. Many times, people don’t communicate as effectively as they could because they don’t know how or they don’t know that it is alright. So the fourth column contains what I might say if I were guiding them to do that. The matrix is here.

I stress that the third and fourth columns contain words that I would use, and they may not be the words that YOU would use. IT IS CRITICAL that you convey SINCERE emotions using words that come naturally to you. If you try to read from a script, you will sound like it. Determine the words you would use and use those – they are the BEST ones for you.


Insist on great business results! Go to Pathfinder Communication